Influences

The years I've been in relationships or dating, I had a notion that if I could roll certain aspects of one guy into other desirable aspects I found in another - eventually I'd have a guy that appealed to me in all ways. One was a good dancer and had an awesome body, but he drank too much. One made me laugh, and loved nature, but didn't want to work for a living. One was good with children, worked hard and was even-tempered, but was as boring as dishwater to talk to.
Lately I've been beginning to see something interesting. All of the fellows that I spent any considerable time with actually left an imprint on MY personality.

I had accepted that my closest friends had an influence on who I am now, but I think I was in denial of the fact that every man I've tangled emotionally with also had an influence. The concept is a real mind-bender for me. It means I'm part Fred, part Dean, and part Chuck in some way.

So...did I manage to "roll" all those virtues that I'd once sought in a man...into me?

Unfortunately, I see Fred in my new-found ability to scrap and argue. The influences weren't all good. I am more open with politically incorrect and twisted humor since my 3 years with PM.
I learned to party harder and be more lewd because of another long friendship. Some men have taken away my more innocent aspects and left my character sullied.

In the beginning, I was quite taken by the sweeping romantic approaches that men won me with...and I learned from that too. Tracing the details of a face, the search for one's inner soul with liquid, deep eye contact, summoning up all my yearnings for a connection, unleashing my passions and making my paramour into a sort of god in order to cause him to be vulnerable...to open him.
Combined with snake-like movements, capable and talented touching, mewling and sweet chords of whispered promises, culminating in a final hair-grab and a hot kiss that says I want YOU....forever.
It helped to have the house scented, candles fired up, a warm night breeze flowing in through light curtains...(my hair and make-up right...lol). So, because of being seduced by men in my dating career, I learned how to be a seductress in return.

Dangerous stuff, as it turns out. You can't wield that kind of thing lightly. There were a few that I'd completely undone that wouldn't leave when I'd decided I wanted no more of them. And when you toy with someone's emotions, they can also become violent when they are rejected later. I had my place broken into and my stuff thrown out the windows, toilet plugged, sculptures broken, I've been held hostage, kicked in the gut...(no, I'm not just talking about being simply stalked).

The seduction stuff stays in my back pocket and is rarely used anymore.

Did I learn anything useful from my relationships?
I do think there were good influences. I picked up some of CT's warmth, from another my deep love of nature, word-smithing from a couple of men, and a good amount of learning to endure from many of them.

In each of them I found a boy that was seeking a home and a safe place in my heart. (I was seeking this in them, too.) I was vulnerable, they were vulnerable, we loved hard...but finally had some reason that drove a wedge into the whole thing to end it.

After all of these relationships I have come to wonder if it's just a dream to have that dance last "forever". Maybe we should all carefully place our dance cards on a table and retreat alone at the end of the party; as such complex beings, are we really capable of thoroughly meshing and staying with one partner?

It's probably the exception rather than the rule.

I do know that I am to blame for my relationship failures in one sense; I always went for men who "needed" me. They were emotionally lost to begin with, easy for me to get close to. And most were broken because of some sort of past trauma...it was a problem laying in wait...until just the right trigger to cause their bad reactions; jealousy, fear, certain anger management issues. Which then scared me away.

The answer to this riddle is to find someone who is basically happy and accomplished.

Which means I need to work on myself to be able to join someone on that level, before I could ever have a lasting romance.

So...how do I get rid of red-headed Fred's temper?

When I Believed in Love.

A desolate tree straining against the wind...reaching for warmth.
All leaves lost, clinging to existence
A day finally came when the light of reason re-awakened you...
the thaw brought me to you in a clear stream,
tumbling the stones of your character,
flowing around your firm limbs,
believing in you.
Receptive, thirsty, you consume me...
your hands are open again,
your mind embraces faith again,
you reach for possibilities again,
and new growth blossoms as you hold the sky.

Forget About It.

Thanks for asking, but I had a crappy New year's Eve. My ex had been trying to get me to take him back, asked me to go out with him...and I took great pains to be stunning for him. A long, glittery gold clingy gown that showed some cleavage, my hair in gold waves down the backless portion of the dress, strappy heels, etc.. With heels I'm about 5' 10", and since I'm 124 lb, and have been working out for the occasion, I have to say I looked a bit above the usual standard for the party-goers in our small town.

He treated me like he hardly noticed, and brooded the whole time, looking off in the distance.

I felt like crawling into a hole.

We agreed that it just wouldn't work, and I told him I hoped he'd be very happy with the 24-year-old he's been writing to in the Philippines, but not to be shocked if she's not so interested once she sees how he looks in person, age-wise, when they meet. The guy doesn't have a driver's license but thinks he deserves a limo. He lives in a fantasy world, dominated by computers and grandiose, self-aggrandizing thoughts....and I'm wary of meeting anyone through this damn thing....I don't want to hook up with someone who constantly has to be planted in front of a PC screen for stimulation.

That's a "deal-breaker" for me. Computer addiction, or secret porn usage, web-cam girls, ongoing personal ads and the like....not acceptable once a relationship begins. Computers have added a whole new dimension to relationships between men and women...new ground-rules for behavior are emerging....and its easy to "hide" what one wants to. Hiding anything undermines the fabric of trust....haven't you found that it's just really hard to get close, trust, and decide what to reveal, and what not to? Revealing too much can scare someone off as well as not revealing enough.
What a dilemma.

It takes real strength to keep love intact.

Maybe I should just live alone.