My Near Death Experience

A friend asks;

How did the NDE affect my life, or how I interact with others...

Well, I was a huge spiritual seeker prior to having it. I was into white witchcraft, astral projection, sweat lodges, and collected the most remote, old, esoteric books that you can imagine. I was in the process of tracking down ancient texts and doctrines, a publication on the Dead Sea Scrolls with photocopies of the parchments, the earliest known recordings of druidry in a library in Wales...(I had just gotten a letter from them about access to the writings), The Egyptian Book of the Dead, Tibetan Buddhism and the "Bardo", etc., etc..

The NDE put it all to rest for me.

Very nice, actually, to feel completely at peace with my feelings of death, but I don't talk about it with folks, or spiritual matters in general anymore, since the "truth" is going to be different to each person...and even the most literal telling of my story will mean something different to each person. I guess I figured that everyone has to experience it for themselves. Makes as much sense as my trying to describe how great the Grand Canyon is...when actually "being there" is the only way to appreciate its vastness.


In the midst of the experience; I was looking back at the earth, and it morphed into a bowl of the earliest primordial lifeforms, they evolved, it was a swirl of leaves, flowers, animals, fish and humans - all connected, no lifeform more important than the others.

The hosts were tall and glowed, they disappeared at their tops way off into the darkness, their feet/bottoms disappeared going the other direction. the only clear thing were their hands, long, silvery fingers that extended en masse towards me...I drifted like dandelion fluff onto the open palms and felt quite safe there. I don't know if I had been reduced to something extremely small - or if the hosts were large...that's just how the scale felt, and I was a bit of light going past the gate.

The hosts that were there to receive and aid me; there was no judgment of what I'd done in life, and who I had been had dissolved away into unimportance. There were no "words" nor were my thoughts presented even to my own mind in "words". It was pure emotion, and knowledge was given to me in images. Love and positivity seemed to be important. I reviewed the intensity of my "light", I was only pea-sized....and had a tinge of regret for that.
Do I feel satisfied with my light today? Hard to know, but if I had to guess, I'd say probably not. I think I have more work to do.


I was sent back to do some more work. On the way back, "words" spun at me and hit me, normal linear thinking returned, fear returned, pain returned, and I found myself collapsed on the floor, struggling to breathe and I had soiled myself.

After coming back, small details;
I had eaten chicken that night. It sat on my stomach very heavily, and didn't feel right at all. A very, very bad thing. It made me seriously consider vegetarianism at that time, even though I'm still a meat-eater as of today.

I had the sudden desire to be buried within nature itself - not in a pine box, and not cremated. As it turns out, I think we may be denying a process that aids the proper cycle by not allowing ourselves to be re-absorbed into nature...and it seemed to hold some spiritual truth, too. This idea seemed important at the time as well.

Since then, knowing/feeling that there is no such thing as "sin" or final judgment...(except for my own, regarding the size of my "light"), and because of that feeling of peace and love from the "hosts", I much less afraid of death or of what comes next. I want to begin work on myself spiritually, but am a little afraid, because I feel like it's a really sensitive door for me to open. "They" will see me again when I start shedding my physical armor through meditation and/or prayer.

"They" aren't just the welcoming, loving hosts - they are also the earthbound lost spirits. I saw the lost ones when I was aged 11, after our house burned down, and I was terrified and alone... (they were crowded all over the glass sliding doors staring at me one night)...I had one of them take possession of (2) two boyfriends on separate occasions during the time I was dinking around with spirituality in the 1980s...and I saw them swirling around at the ceiling when I was on death's door, starving myself when giving up on life back in 1996. It seems like I can see "them" during extreme physical and mental states. That - along with the distinct ESP episodes I've had - make me think I'm one step away from being a psychic, so I need to select my spiritual trips and exercises very carefully.
I'm glad to be in the world of the physical, in the world of the living. I have nothing to prove to myself, in terms of what lies after death. I'm reluctant to push my spiritual abilities again...since I have seen beyond the door, and I feel like people are fools to think they can "control" those forces.

And I just don't speak to people I know about any of it, or try to convince anyone, since it's a topic that's unique from one person to the next.

Like viewing the Grand Canyon.

I am a firm Agnostic. I know there's something, but I can't say what, exactly.
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It's possible that the earthbound I've seen are mostly harmless...but not in every case.
Like I said, the ones I saw crowded at the sliding glass doors came right after our house burned down when I was 11.
I had known for a couple of weeks prior that our house would burn down , but was afraid to tell anyone about my ESP "feeling". I realized, even at that young age, that I could be a primary suspect if/when it happened, so I asked to go stay at my father's house for a visit.
(I never asked to go stay with my father, he was a complete asshole. I didn't even call him "dad", I called him by his first name.)
But it was the only place I could go to get away from the impending event.
My father answered his phone one evening, (a few days after I got to his place), turned to me and told me that the house had burned down. I spoke to my mother on the phone after he did...she expected me to be broken up about it. I calmly told her, "...hey...at least all the roaches are dead." I mean...I wasn't surprised about losing my home since I'd seen it coming. I was much more freaked out about having my premonition come true.

I saw the faces that night after everyone went to bed...I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, and the glass doors/windows lead to a patio outside that living room.
They were gray and hazy...and all were staring intently at me from behind the glass....stacked several deep and several faces wide.

I ran and slept on the floor in the hallway that night. My dad wanted to know why I was in the hallway, there was no way I could tell him about those faces without sounding crazy...so I just told him I was scared and left it at that.

I think there's a reason why I was given the ability to breach the physical barriers to see that event...self-preservation? A protective spirit?
But I feel like those gray spirits weren't there to protect me. Maybe not to harm me, either, but when you open the door, there's a bunch of 'em that want to look back at the side of the living.

They were curious about me.

The possessions that took place in the 1980s...well, at least whatever "jumped" into my lovers wasn't able to "jump" into me, so I take comfort in that.
But it was drawn to me for some reason....and not a good one. Like I said, I was dicking around with spirituality back then...the first BF that was effected by it, we were fucking, and he suddenly became rough..(not like him at all, he was a wuss), came, then collapsed on top of me. He almost wept - he said that "that" had not been "him"...and whatever it was, "it" wanted to kill me.
I broke up with the guy, not surprisingly...I thought he was out of his mind.
So...imagine my shock when the EXACT same thing happened a few months later with a completely different guy. He said the same thing..."it" wanted to kill me.

I think the reason why the possessions took place during sex is because 1). then men were very physically close to me in that moment, and 2).they were getting "jiggy wid it", relaxed enough to let their minds slip and have something else creep in.

Why was I a target? Because "they" saw me from the other side when I was playing with spirituality. "They" might want to communicate, or find a way home...I don't know.
But want to "kill" me? It might be that it takes all the hate and love a spirit has all at once to penetrate the veil....maybe it wasn't a deathwish at all.
If it was...then maybe that particular spirit is still out there, waiting for me to open the door again.

Maybe a jealous lover from a past life. Maybe just a jealous spirit, period.

Then the swirl of wraiths over my bed when I was dehydrated and starving, back in 1996.

...You can imagine why I'm reluctant to dink around spiritually again.

I'm happily lucid, physical, healthy, and not looking for any weird experiences anymore.

Keep Your Gold Nuggets

An estranged son and his girlfriend....

You need to hold this "little miracle" they tell me...

They felt rejected because I didn't travel 900 miles right away to see the new member of the family, they disregarded my medical issues. Traveling is difficult for me.

They decided to play head games when I asked for photos of the child.

The young mother didn't respond to my emails or requests.
Then finally she responds, "You can't always get what you want when you want it."

"You don't deserve to meet your magical grandson"

Girl, do you really think you're the first female on the face of this planet to give birth?
You didn't just have gold nuggets just fall out of your crack.

Save your head games for someone else.

I have other kids with better manners. I have other grandkids that I can freely care for, without worrying about any attitude.

I'll simply view this bit of progeny as "cast seed" and keep my distance...at least until you've both had full tutelage by Emily Post.

Influences

The years I've been in relationships or dating, I had a notion that if I could roll certain aspects of one guy into other desirable aspects I found in another - eventually I'd have a guy that appealed to me in all ways. One was a good dancer and had an awesome body, but he drank too much. One made me laugh, and loved nature, but didn't want to work for a living. One was good with children, worked hard and was even-tempered, but was as boring as dishwater to talk to.
Lately I've been beginning to see something interesting. All of the fellows that I spent any considerable time with actually left an imprint on MY personality.

I had accepted that my closest friends had an influence on who I am now, but I think I was in denial of the fact that every man I've tangled emotionally with also had an influence. The concept is a real mind-bender for me. It means I'm part Fred, part Dean, and part Chuck in some way.

So...did I manage to "roll" all those virtues that I'd once sought in a man...into me?

Unfortunately, I see Fred in my new-found ability to scrap and argue. The influences weren't all good. I am more open with politically incorrect and twisted humor since my 3 years with PM.
I learned to party harder and be more lewd because of another long friendship. Some men have taken away my more innocent aspects and left my character sullied.

In the beginning, I was quite taken by the sweeping romantic approaches that men won me with...and I learned from that too. Tracing the details of a face, the search for one's inner soul with liquid, deep eye contact, summoning up all my yearnings for a connection, unleashing my passions and making my paramour into a sort of god in order to cause him to be vulnerable...to open him.
Combined with snake-like movements, capable and talented touching, mewling and sweet chords of whispered promises, culminating in a final hair-grab and a hot kiss that says I want YOU....forever.
It helped to have the house scented, candles fired up, a warm night breeze flowing in through light curtains...(my hair and make-up right...lol). So, because of being seduced by men in my dating career, I learned how to be a seductress in return.

Dangerous stuff, as it turns out. You can't wield that kind of thing lightly. There were a few that I'd completely undone that wouldn't leave when I'd decided I wanted no more of them. And when you toy with someone's emotions, they can also become violent when they are rejected later. I had my place broken into and my stuff thrown out the windows, toilet plugged, sculptures broken, I've been held hostage, kicked in the gut...(no, I'm not just talking about being simply stalked).

The seduction stuff stays in my back pocket and is rarely used anymore.

Did I learn anything useful from my relationships?
I do think there were good influences. I picked up some of CT's warmth, from another my deep love of nature, word-smithing from a couple of men, and a good amount of learning to endure from many of them.

In each of them I found a boy that was seeking a home and a safe place in my heart. (I was seeking this in them, too.) I was vulnerable, they were vulnerable, we loved hard...but finally had some reason that drove a wedge into the whole thing to end it.

After all of these relationships I have come to wonder if it's just a dream to have that dance last "forever". Maybe we should all carefully place our dance cards on a table and retreat alone at the end of the party; as such complex beings, are we really capable of thoroughly meshing and staying with one partner?

It's probably the exception rather than the rule.

I do know that I am to blame for my relationship failures in one sense; I always went for men who "needed" me. They were emotionally lost to begin with, easy for me to get close to. And most were broken because of some sort of past trauma...it was a problem laying in wait...until just the right trigger to cause their bad reactions; jealousy, fear, certain anger management issues. Which then scared me away.

The answer to this riddle is to find someone who is basically happy and accomplished.

Which means I need to work on myself to be able to join someone on that level, before I could ever have a lasting romance.

So...how do I get rid of red-headed Fred's temper?

When I Believed in Love.

A desolate tree straining against the wind...reaching for warmth.
All leaves lost, clinging to existence
A day finally came when the light of reason re-awakened you...
the thaw brought me to you in a clear stream,
tumbling the stones of your character,
flowing around your firm limbs,
believing in you.
Receptive, thirsty, you consume me...
your hands are open again,
your mind embraces faith again,
you reach for possibilities again,
and new growth blossoms as you hold the sky.

Forget About It.

Thanks for asking, but I had a crappy New year's Eve. My ex had been trying to get me to take him back, asked me to go out with him...and I took great pains to be stunning for him. A long, glittery gold clingy gown that showed some cleavage, my hair in gold waves down the backless portion of the dress, strappy heels, etc.. With heels I'm about 5' 10", and since I'm 124 lb, and have been working out for the occasion, I have to say I looked a bit above the usual standard for the party-goers in our small town.

He treated me like he hardly noticed, and brooded the whole time, looking off in the distance.

I felt like crawling into a hole.

We agreed that it just wouldn't work, and I told him I hoped he'd be very happy with the 24-year-old he's been writing to in the Philippines, but not to be shocked if she's not so interested once she sees how he looks in person, age-wise, when they meet. The guy doesn't have a driver's license but thinks he deserves a limo. He lives in a fantasy world, dominated by computers and grandiose, self-aggrandizing thoughts....and I'm wary of meeting anyone through this damn thing....I don't want to hook up with someone who constantly has to be planted in front of a PC screen for stimulation.

That's a "deal-breaker" for me. Computer addiction, or secret porn usage, web-cam girls, ongoing personal ads and the like....not acceptable once a relationship begins. Computers have added a whole new dimension to relationships between men and women...new ground-rules for behavior are emerging....and its easy to "hide" what one wants to. Hiding anything undermines the fabric of trust....haven't you found that it's just really hard to get close, trust, and decide what to reveal, and what not to? Revealing too much can scare someone off as well as not revealing enough.
What a dilemma.

It takes real strength to keep love intact.

Maybe I should just live alone.

Internet Dating Profile Rant

Ok, this is going to sound rather dark, but if you are going to show up looking like my most recent dates, please don't write; No dragging limbs, no dentures, no prosthetic privates, no missing bodily functions, no guys that have seizures offering me a half-eaten lunch from a brown paper bag for a date, no bad cases of psoriasis, and please, no weirdos with carnal knowledge of farm animals. (This has all really happened to me!)

And please look something like your photo! Using a photo that is 20 years old is NOT fair.
And if things don't work out, please don't threaten me or follow me around. Don't judge me by what kind of car I drive, don't pry into my finances, don't expect me to get freaky on the phone or the first date, don't ask me if my chest is endowed as well as your mother's is, and don't expect me to support you financially! (This has all happened too!)

I don't think you're "cool" if you're a balls-to-the-wall thrill-seeker, a mind-reading Reiki Master, have a fleet of fancy cars, or are a chocolate-covered millionaire with a fistful of new shoes. I've just been looking for someone real, feeling, fun and for me alone....if you dig having lots of women stored in your cell phone, or cataloged on your computer, get lost.
If you say in your ad that you're looking for women 18+.....then you aren't looking for a real relationship - and guess what? Real women will see that written in your ad, haul ass & leave you in the dust! (Mature and intelligent ladies tend to notice things like that.)

If all you want is temporary sexual relief, or a female toy, please don't act like you want a deep relationship.