My Near Death Experience

A friend asks;

How did the NDE affect my life, or how I interact with others...

Well, I was a huge spiritual seeker prior to having it. I was into white witchcraft, astral projection, sweat lodges, and collected the most remote, old, esoteric books that you can imagine. I was in the process of tracking down ancient texts and doctrines, a publication on the Dead Sea Scrolls with photocopies of the parchments, the earliest known recordings of druidry in a library in Wales...(I had just gotten a letter from them about access to the writings), The Egyptian Book of the Dead, Tibetan Buddhism and the "Bardo", etc., etc..

The NDE put it all to rest for me.

Very nice, actually, to feel completely at peace with my feelings of death, but I don't talk about it with folks, or spiritual matters in general anymore, since the "truth" is going to be different to each person...and even the most literal telling of my story will mean something different to each person. I guess I figured that everyone has to experience it for themselves. Makes as much sense as my trying to describe how great the Grand Canyon is...when actually "being there" is the only way to appreciate its vastness.


In the midst of the experience; I was looking back at the earth, and it morphed into a bowl of the earliest primordial lifeforms, they evolved, it was a swirl of leaves, flowers, animals, fish and humans - all connected, no lifeform more important than the others.

The hosts were tall and glowed, they disappeared at their tops way off into the darkness, their feet/bottoms disappeared going the other direction. the only clear thing were their hands, long, silvery fingers that extended en masse towards me...I drifted like dandelion fluff onto the open palms and felt quite safe there. I don't know if I had been reduced to something extremely small - or if the hosts were large...that's just how the scale felt, and I was a bit of light going past the gate.

The hosts that were there to receive and aid me; there was no judgment of what I'd done in life, and who I had been had dissolved away into unimportance. There were no "words" nor were my thoughts presented even to my own mind in "words". It was pure emotion, and knowledge was given to me in images. Love and positivity seemed to be important. I reviewed the intensity of my "light", I was only pea-sized....and had a tinge of regret for that.
Do I feel satisfied with my light today? Hard to know, but if I had to guess, I'd say probably not. I think I have more work to do.


I was sent back to do some more work. On the way back, "words" spun at me and hit me, normal linear thinking returned, fear returned, pain returned, and I found myself collapsed on the floor, struggling to breathe and I had soiled myself.

After coming back, small details;
I had eaten chicken that night. It sat on my stomach very heavily, and didn't feel right at all. A very, very bad thing. It made me seriously consider vegetarianism at that time, even though I'm still a meat-eater as of today.

I had the sudden desire to be buried within nature itself - not in a pine box, and not cremated. As it turns out, I think we may be denying a process that aids the proper cycle by not allowing ourselves to be re-absorbed into nature...and it seemed to hold some spiritual truth, too. This idea seemed important at the time as well.

Since then, knowing/feeling that there is no such thing as "sin" or final judgment...(except for my own, regarding the size of my "light"), and because of that feeling of peace and love from the "hosts", I much less afraid of death or of what comes next. I want to begin work on myself spiritually, but am a little afraid, because I feel like it's a really sensitive door for me to open. "They" will see me again when I start shedding my physical armor through meditation and/or prayer.

"They" aren't just the welcoming, loving hosts - they are also the earthbound lost spirits. I saw the lost ones when I was aged 11, after our house burned down, and I was terrified and alone... (they were crowded all over the glass sliding doors staring at me one night)...I had one of them take possession of (2) two boyfriends on separate occasions during the time I was dinking around with spirituality in the 1980s...and I saw them swirling around at the ceiling when I was on death's door, starving myself when giving up on life back in 1996. It seems like I can see "them" during extreme physical and mental states. That - along with the distinct ESP episodes I've had - make me think I'm one step away from being a psychic, so I need to select my spiritual trips and exercises very carefully.
I'm glad to be in the world of the physical, in the world of the living. I have nothing to prove to myself, in terms of what lies after death. I'm reluctant to push my spiritual abilities again...since I have seen beyond the door, and I feel like people are fools to think they can "control" those forces.

And I just don't speak to people I know about any of it, or try to convince anyone, since it's a topic that's unique from one person to the next.

Like viewing the Grand Canyon.

I am a firm Agnostic. I know there's something, but I can't say what, exactly.
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It's possible that the earthbound I've seen are mostly harmless...but not in every case.
Like I said, the ones I saw crowded at the sliding glass doors came right after our house burned down when I was 11.
I had known for a couple of weeks prior that our house would burn down , but was afraid to tell anyone about my ESP "feeling". I realized, even at that young age, that I could be a primary suspect if/when it happened, so I asked to go stay at my father's house for a visit.
(I never asked to go stay with my father, he was a complete asshole. I didn't even call him "dad", I called him by his first name.)
But it was the only place I could go to get away from the impending event.
My father answered his phone one evening, (a few days after I got to his place), turned to me and told me that the house had burned down. I spoke to my mother on the phone after he did...she expected me to be broken up about it. I calmly told her, "...hey...at least all the roaches are dead." I mean...I wasn't surprised about losing my home since I'd seen it coming. I was much more freaked out about having my premonition come true.

I saw the faces that night after everyone went to bed...I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, and the glass doors/windows lead to a patio outside that living room.
They were gray and hazy...and all were staring intently at me from behind the glass....stacked several deep and several faces wide.

I ran and slept on the floor in the hallway that night. My dad wanted to know why I was in the hallway, there was no way I could tell him about those faces without sounding crazy...so I just told him I was scared and left it at that.

I think there's a reason why I was given the ability to breach the physical barriers to see that event...self-preservation? A protective spirit?
But I feel like those gray spirits weren't there to protect me. Maybe not to harm me, either, but when you open the door, there's a bunch of 'em that want to look back at the side of the living.

They were curious about me.

The possessions that took place in the 1980s...well, at least whatever "jumped" into my lovers wasn't able to "jump" into me, so I take comfort in that.
But it was drawn to me for some reason....and not a good one. Like I said, I was dicking around with spirituality back then...the first BF that was effected by it, we were fucking, and he suddenly became rough..(not like him at all, he was a wuss), came, then collapsed on top of me. He almost wept - he said that "that" had not been "him"...and whatever it was, "it" wanted to kill me.
I broke up with the guy, not surprisingly...I thought he was out of his mind.
So...imagine my shock when the EXACT same thing happened a few months later with a completely different guy. He said the same thing..."it" wanted to kill me.

I think the reason why the possessions took place during sex is because 1). then men were very physically close to me in that moment, and 2).they were getting "jiggy wid it", relaxed enough to let their minds slip and have something else creep in.

Why was I a target? Because "they" saw me from the other side when I was playing with spirituality. "They" might want to communicate, or find a way home...I don't know.
But want to "kill" me? It might be that it takes all the hate and love a spirit has all at once to penetrate the veil....maybe it wasn't a deathwish at all.
If it was...then maybe that particular spirit is still out there, waiting for me to open the door again.

Maybe a jealous lover from a past life. Maybe just a jealous spirit, period.

Then the swirl of wraiths over my bed when I was dehydrated and starving, back in 1996.

...You can imagine why I'm reluctant to dink around spiritually again.

I'm happily lucid, physical, healthy, and not looking for any weird experiences anymore.